Bring Sex Back Into Your Marriage – Part 1

by Lisa Merlo-Booth

I can’t even begin to tell you how many couples are not having sex in their marriage.  Couples young, old and in-between are living in sexless marriages.  I’m not talking about couples who aren’t having sex as often as they’d like.  I’m talking about no sex for anywhere from six-months to six years…or more. And many of these couples are within the first seven to ten years of their marriages.

Many of these couples would say they still enjoy each other’s company.  They’re good friends, they say, but somewhere along the way they stopped having sex.  Other couples are in a tougher spot.  They have months or even years of resentments, anger and pain stored up and have settled into a cool existence with one another.   For the latter category of couples, the road to recovery begins in a professional’s office — specifically one who specializes in working with couples.  For the former group, though, their road to recovery does not have to be so difficult.

If you and your partner have stopped having sex — and would like to have sex become a part of your relationship again—then make the decision to work it.  Below are a few easy steps to getting back on the road to recovery.

1.    Make the decision to bring sex back into the relationship. You and your partner need to have a heart-to-heart talk about sex.  I don’t mean talking about what you like and don’t like, I mean do you want a sexless marriage or not.  Forget about the specifics of how you will get it back—first decide IF you want it back.  Be honest and don’t say something you don’t mean.  Too often one assumes the other partner is okay with not having sex just because s/he stopped asking for it.  Don’t assume anything.  Once you both are clear that you want to bring sex back, move to step two.

2.    Set very low expectations for the first time. Both of you can reduce your inhibitions enormously by agreeing that the first time back is going to be awkward at best.  Now is NOT the time to be a picky lover.  The goal at first is to simply break the cold spell.  Agreeing to have sex after months or years without being intimate is enough of an obstacle to get over, don’t add performance to the equation. 

3.    Schedule a “date night”. Choosing a date night is imperative to making this work.  If you both wait until the time is right, you will never be intimate.  Choose a night when you have no work the next day, there’s no need to get to bed early and the kids are taken care of either by being put to bed early or by having someone else watch them.  If they tend to wake up easily—hire someone to watch them and go to a hotel for the night.  “Date night” means you are scheduling sex.  Get over the idea of scheduling and just do it.  This is your future as well as the future of your family—don’t sabotage it!

http://lmerlobooth.typepad.com/straighttalk/2011/02/bring-sex-back-into-your-marriage-part-i.html

Boundaries in Relationships – Part II

by Lisa Merlo-Booth

A few posts ago I wrote about the protective aspect of boundaries. The second part of your boundary is the containing part. Your containing boundary helps to contain your reactions and responses to people and situations. Its key job is to protect others and the world from you.

The containing part of your boundary is the part that keeps your stuff in. It helps you to handle your anger, frustration, and negative intensity in a relational way. It keeps you from harming another individual with your words, actions, energy or threats.

When we become angry, our containing boundary serves as a beacon for us to proceed with caution. It lets us know when we are about to cross the line and it pulls us back…if it’s a healthy containing boundary. If we do not have a healthy containing boundary then we are likely to be uncontained and subsequently violate other peoples’ boundaries.

If we call someone names, shame, ridicule, swear or yell at them, we are violating their boundaries. Telling someone what they are or are not thinking or feeling is also a boundary violation. It is not our place to decide what someone is truly thinking or feeling. Although we may think we know, we are not in that person’s head. We can only assume at best. In addition if we break promises, lie to, or put our hands on another person in anger, we are also violating their boundaries.

Whenever we violate another person’s boundaries, we are in boundary failure. This is true regardless of what the other person did. Many times people think they have the right to be emotionally abusive to someone because that person was hurtful to them first. This could not be further from the truth. Another person’s behavior does not give you or me the right to be equally offensive. You’re insults, hurtful words and/or actions are not justified, and they do, and will, get in the way of intimacy. Unless my life is being threatened, I do not have the right to be abusive in any way…ever.

We cannot have emotionally healthy and intimate relationships in our lives without a containing boundary. It is virtually impossible. Our lack of containment will keep intimacy at a distance even when all other factors are perfect. If we are not contained, we are not safe. If we’re not safe, we damage our relationships.

Challenge: Pay attention, for the next two weeks, to your containing boundary. Do you yell, swear at, call names, ridicule or intimidate others with your negative intensity? Do you lie, make promises you don’t keep? Do you threaten others by throwing things in anger, pushing, hitting, or shoving them? If you do any of these, do not kid yourself into thinking it’s not as bad as I think… the damage to your relationship is worse than–you think.
Commit to cleaning up your boundary violations first and foremost and then watch the changes in your relationships as a result.

Click to go to Lisa Merlo-Booth’s website

Boundaries in Relationships – Part 1

by Lisa Merlo-Booth

I believe the two most pivotal skills for being in healthy relationships are boundaries and self-esteem. They are the foundation from which everything else flourishes. This post is going to address boundaries. Because boundaries are complex and so pivotal, beware that this is a longer-than-usual post…

Okay, so what are boundaries? Boundaries are a system of protection. They are meant to protect us as well as those around us. I like to see them as an imaginary bubble we encapsulate ourselves in. This bubble is strong enough to keep harmful comments, energies, insults, etc., out, yet permeable enough to allow constructive criticism, authentic feedback, and kind comments in.

We are the controllers of our boundaries. We decide what we allow in and what we keep out. The way we determine what comes in, is if it’s true or not. We ask ourselves, “Is this true for me? Is this something I need to take in and look at?” If the answer is yes, then we let it in. If the answer is no, then we simply let the comment bounce off our bubble (boundary) and move on.

If we choose to let something bounce off our bubble then it is done with. There is no need for us to get defensive, have a reaction, or stew about it. If it’s not true, then don’t spend time on it. Examples of things that we don’t want to let in are: Your partner coming home in a bad mood and snapping at you; someone accusing you of something you know you didn’t do; someone swearing at you, calling you a name, or putting you down.

The reason you don’t want to take any of these in is because these comments are not about you…they are about the person who is speaking to you. If your partner comes home in a bad mood and is snapping at everyone in the home, then they are having a bad day–keep your boundaries up and don’t allow their bad day to become your bad day. Instead, as I once heard a person say, imagine that your bubble just got slimed. Spray it, wipe off the slime, and move on.

Let me use the “kick the dog” story (only I’ll use a different term than kick). Say Tom comes home and had a terrible day at work. He’s angry and fed up with everything. The dog comes up to greet him and Tom shoves the dog to the side and says, “Stupid dog!” Now is this because the dog’s a stupid dog? No. It’s because Tom is having a bad day and he thinks that bad day justifies his cruelty. His comment has nothing to do with the dog; it has everything to do with Tom.

It is the same with people. We need to get better at determining what we need to take in and look at and what has nothing to do with us and we need to keep out. If for example, you simply walk into a store and the cashier is rude to you, chances are it’s not about you, so don’t let it in and make it about you. Likewise, if your child is hungry, tired, and cranky and says you’re stupid–use your boundaries. See it for what it is–a child who is cranky and struggling with his/her emotions. It’s not about you being a bad parent.

Learn to decipher what to take in and what to keep out. It’s important that we don’t only let in “nice” feedback. When we are given feedback that is hard to hear, we need to be careful to not just block it out. If the feedback is honest, it is in our best interest to let it in and look at it. We do this even when we don’t like what we hear. If there’s truth to it, taking it in and looking at it will help us in our present and future relationships. We take things in from a place of humility, knowing that we are human just like everyone else. (In a future post I will write about how to do this in conjunction with self-esteem).

For now, remember that you don’t want to keep everything out because that would be a wall, not a boundary. Nor do you want to let everything in because that would be boundary-less. Neither of these are healthy boundaries.

Challenge: Boundaries protect the core of who we are while also protecting the core of who others are. For the next week pay close attention to protecting yourself. Begin practicing healthy boundaries by paying attention to when you are in boundary failure (feeling wounded, defensive, offended). Pay close attention to what is true about you and what is not and filter the information accordingly.

Also watch others and their use of boundaries; this is a great way to learn about your own.

Note: Boundaries are a big topic that I could not cover entirely in a post. There are two books on boundaries that I recommend for those interested: The Intimacy Factor by Pia Mellody and Boundaries (Where You End And I Begin) by Anne Katherine, M.A.

Click to go to Lisa Merlot-Booth’s website

Announcing Tele-Counseling/Consultations

The Institute For Couples Counseling is pleased to announce that we now offer Tele-Counseling and Consultation via Telephone or Skype.  This provides an additional ability to meet your needs expertise from the Institute For Couples Counseling.

For Residents who live in California, Psychotherapy and Tele-Counseling is available. 

For People who live outside the State of California, Tele-Counseling and Consultation are available.

Welcome to the Institute for Couples Counseling

Welcome to my blog.  Watch this space for new and effective ways to help your relationship thrive.  Whether you’re dealing with issues of trust, communication, infidelity, divorce, separation, or dating, this blog will be one you should bookmark and check frequently.

I’m Karen Greenhouse, Phd (c), MFT, and have been a Couples’ Therapist for the last 7 years as well as being a motivational speaker concerning relationships in the workplace for the last 28 years.

Watch this space for insights into how to have happy and healthy relationships.